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Ok, instead of putting all of the weird different stuff that doesn't have a page into the Chalmer's Quotes. You will find it here. If anyone knows how to spell miscellanus, please IM me.
I figured since I didn't know how to spell it, I'd just add the word "anus" at the end, and the joke would cover up for my stupidity.
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Melissa's Dream
Melissa Jacobson IMs me and says the following:
BaByJ362: you wer in my dream!
HoorayforDisney: ha ha awesome!
HoorayforDisney: what was the dream
BaByJ362: okay it was like 10 in the morning and i was still sleeping all of a sudden there was a little ring at the door. so my parenst werent home and my sister so i was like okay i'll get it cause im just that nice. so i got up and looked out the window and theer was a large boot parked infront of my house and all of a sudden i see it untie and you pop out of it in a wreslting uniform...
BaByJ362: so im like wow hi brian as i look like shit an di dont no y you didnt like fall over and die cause i looked so bad. but anyways i wa slike what are you doing here and your like well my mom said if i dont go out now i cant go out all day so i decided to come here until you decide to do sumthin
BaByJ362: so meanwhile my house is a mess im lkie spazing out cause i dont no what to do so im like yea okay and then jordan cals an di wa sliek yea brians here and im really tired i just wanna go to sleep
BaByJ362: so im like okay brian you can do what you want im going to sleep and that was it |
Jim Gaffigan
OK, I had no where else to put this so I'm putting it in Chalmer's quotes. And I apologize on how like plain and shitty looking the site looks. I have no money and I'm doing the best I can with my dial-up modem. But Ok, I'm hoping by the fact that you're on my site, that you like it and you agree with my statements that I make. Trust me, I can't STAND it when people IM me out of no where and go "hey man download 'crush' by mandy moore, it's awesome dude!" yes I realize we didn't have IM's in the eighties but moving on to the point. Please trust me in this. Download Jim Gaffigan stand up special off Kazaa or whatever you have. He's the funniest guy I've ever heard. Here are some stuff he says:
"I am originally from Indiana. I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana, Mafia." "I used to be a waiter in a mexican restaurant in Indiana. And that's where you go for mexican." "Actually the reason why I look like this is because my father was from Sweden, and my mother was Elton John." Anyway, after reading this, it's not funny but it's all about the approach and how he says it. So please trust me on this one, download "Comedy Central Presents: Jim Gaffigan's stand up special". That is all.
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Cara's Spot
Ok, Cara is paying me to do this. Cara is the most amazing person in the world. She makes everyday ten times better than a day without her. She is so beautiful and perfect everytime I see her I ruin my pants. Social Studies is amazing cause I get to see Cara. Everyone join me and praise Cara Manise. Oh I wish she were mine. Cara you owe me like 20 head rubs for this.
(the picture isn't really of Cara Manise. But it is some girl named Cara I found off of Google) |
And now....Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
Click for a Deep Thought
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Remember 2ge+her?
Obviously the answer is yes, everyone remembers 2ge+her. This band is the greatest. I'm sick of everyone always laughing at me when they see that I have the 2ge+her Again CD. Their songs are amazingly funny. Here's one of their songs called "Sister":
You've always told me
If I ever wanna leave
If I find a better girl
Someone who lets me breathe
That you wouldn't stand in my way
Oh girl, I never meant to break your heart
I, I promise you
I didn't know, oh no
She was your sister
(Sister)
What (what) could I do
She is so dope, oh yeah
I couldn't resist her
Your little sister
(What?)
And who would've thought (thought)
She's really that young
Unlike you, kisses good with a tongue
Oh please don't stand in my way
I guess it really doesn't matter if
If I break your heart
I, I promise you
I didn't know, oh no
She was your sister
(Sister)
What (what) could I do (what could I do?)
She is so dope, oh yeah
I couldn't resist her
Your little sister
How, oh how could I know
How could he know
(How could he know)
How
I really, really didn't know
I, I promise you (I promise you)
I didn't know, oh no
She was your sister
(Sister)
What (what) could I do (what could I do?)
She is so dope, (she is so dope) oh yeah
I couldn't resist her
(Sister)
I, I promise you (I promise you)
I didn't know, oh no
She was your sister
Sister
What (what) could I do
She is so dope, oh yeah
I couldn't resist her
Your little sister
What? How old is she anyway?
Sister
Come on and laugh, asshole, it's funny. I don't expect you guys to go out and buy the CD but just know how funny they were. Their show was pretty funny too. Anyway, that's it for 2ge+her.
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Chinese/Alaskan Theory
I've noticed lately how Chinese people and Alaskans look very similar to eachother. To help out my fellow man I have come up with a theory in which we can tell our children when they ask us this difficult question (Why Chinese people look like Alaskans and vice versa). It all started a long time ago in Alaska. Alaskans were very happy and hard working. The winters, summers, springs, and falls were usually always cold, but they've dealt with this pretty well. But some Alaskans started to get sick of the hardships of the cold climates they had to endure year round, so the Alaskans all decided to make a huge boat and find a new and perhaps warmer place to settle. The brave Alaskans set sail to the great unknown. Obviously, the traveling was very cold and fierce winds made it seem even colder. The Alaskans spent weeks at sea trying to find a new home. Little did they realize what the cold weather was doing to them. It was so cold that it froze all of the Alaskans hair over and it turned black (like Adam Sandler's foot in "Mr. Deeds"). That wasn't all. Naturally, it was very hard to see through the strong winds so the Alaskans were forced to squint their eyes to keep the snow and ice out of their eyes. After doing so for such a long period of time, their eyes got stuck this way. The men on board had a more difficult time sailing because the cold weather caused their penises to shrink in order to stay warm. And yes you guessed it, they got frozen and stuck this way. After weeks of sailing, they finally found their new home and called it China. China was a wonderful place, but only for some. Some Alaskans sailed back to their cold native homeland, while others stayed behind and raised little "Chinese" children of their own in China. This my friends is the reason why Chinese people look so much like Alaskans.
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The Best Songs Ever (According to Brian Retus and Joe Link)
Ok, no one IM about the following list of songs unless you have someting nice to say. So don't tell me "OH NO WHERE'S STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN!" Which sorry guys, is a good song, but not stupendously great like the radio tells you. But anyways, here's a list Joseph Link and I compiled during this year's Music Theory I class. And they are in no particular order.
-Pretty Woman
-Come on Eileen
-Escape (the Pina Coloda Song)
-Brown-Eyed Girl
-Louie Louie
-Wake me up Before You Go-Go
-Love Shack
-Joy to the World (Not the Christmas one)
-Sweet Home Alabama
-Beat It
-Remix of "Magic Carpet Ride"
-Born to be Wild
-Proud Mary
-Stand by Me
-Uptown Girl
-Barbara Anne
-Benny and the Jets
-Play that Funky Music White Boy
-I Would Walk 500 Miles
-Take on Me
<-----NEW------>
-Build me up Buttercup
-Shaft theme Song
-Come Sail Away
-Bohemian Rhapsody
-Roxanne
-Kung Fu Fighting
-Lola
-Whip it
-Sunshine Day (Brady Bunch)
-Sugar Sugar
-It's not Unusual
-Summer Lovin'
-We're not Gonna Take it
-Bang on the Drum all Day
-Hey Hey We're the Monkees
-Walk Like an Egyptian
-Stayin' Alive
-Dancing Queen
-Respect
<------NEWER------->
-DoWahDiddyDiddyDumDiddyDo
-ABC
-My Boyfriend’s Back
-I Think I Love You
-Day-O
-Jailhouse Rock
-Kokomo
-Rapper’s Delight
-Another one Bites the Dust
-Old Time Rock and Roll
-Taking Care of Business
-Jack and Diane
-Born in the USA
-Paradise by the Dashboard Light
-Should I Stay or Should I go?
-Blitzkrieg Bop
-SHOUT!!!!
-Sex Machine
-I Believe in Miracles
-Low Rider
-Im so Excited (I want you)
(This isn't even close to the whole list. This will be updated weekly, or every three days or I don't know whenever the fuck I want to, asshole. Shit man, get off my case.)
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Brian Coleman's Diary for Keyboarding
One of the typing/keyboarding classes this year had to write journals about certain topics. This assignment was turned in for a grade. What you're about to read is that assignment. As told by Brian Coleman:
Brian Coleman (the sexy kid)
What did you do over spring Break?
I started off by taking my bicycle for a ride. Then I went to Mexico It was insane we went to all the best surf spots and hit this gnarly swell off the cost of southern Mexico, it was going off. I got worked so many times wave after wave on this double overhead day. Then I got the best ride ever it was so rad I got tube for a got 15 seconds I was so stoked coming out. Then we visited all the ruins in Mexico, it was aright I would have rather been surfing.
When we got back on wed. And I went surfing when I got back with my friend Ross and it sucked because after getting back from Mexico and that gnarly break they had there coming back to the terrible break of the my local break. Then after that I went back to my friend Nicks house and slept there the rest of the vacation. We played halo and empire earth. That's about it, thank you or your time.
Favorite movie
My favorite movie is Dumb and Dumber because it is so stupid. It s stars Jim Carrie and Jeff Daniel's. It's about to young eligible bachelors who live in a busted down apartment building. They own a van that looks like a dog and get fired from their jobs. One of them Lloyd drives a limousine and he takes this hot red head to the airport and she leaves her brief case. They then take every thing they have and go on a road trip to find this girl and give her back her brief case. But then they find out the brief case is full of money and spend it all.
Fav. Sport
My favorite group is alkaline Trio because the sounds like no other band out today. They play punk music if that's what u want to call it but they also have a CD of just acoustic songs which i think is really gnarly because it show the strength of there songs when they can just be played with guitar and vocals. My favorite song by them is trucks and trains because it has so many metaphors in it using color but its very hard to understand. Yet all there song are great and they all use great poetic element sin all there songs which I really like. I give Matt Skiba the lead singer who writes the lyrics for all there songs a lot of credit all his songs area written with a passion and never written lightly. He writes songs that me as a teenager can relate to. The one thing I love about his lyric is the brutality of them he uses gory similes and metaphors to describe the pain or joy the song is try to portray. That's is the one thing that really sets them apart, the lyrics and Matt's voice.
Fav. Clothing line
My favorite clothing line is Active clothing. Because they're really down to earth and cheap. They started out as a small surf shop in Southern California and grew into a huge mil order company. They were always nice guys and to me and would give me free stuff. Still now they keep their prices low and are always nice. There just a rad down to earth company that really makes clothes for the kids and for the surfers. I lover there quality its always the best.
` I was unable to complete this Journal.
In light that Mr. Gannon threw me and a college of mine (Jordan) for doing nothing. I was minding my own business when I was viciously attacked my Jordan and I proceed to defend my self but in the intensity of the fight Gannon stepped in and threw me out for defending my life.
Fav book
My favorite book is Halo. Its is a great book about a never-ending battle between Alien's and humans. It was a great and entertaining. The action never stopped and It always keep you on your toes. Jason E. Winburg wrote the book. I have yet to read any other titles by this talented young other. I look forward to getting a sequel to the book I read. They made a video game out of the book and it's a great game. I play the game non-stop and I am addicted to it
Fav Food
My favorite food is TGIF French fries, chicken fingers with honey mustard on the side for dipping, and mozzarella sticks I accept nothing less, if its not deep fried I am discussed. I am hoping to have my first heart attack by the age of seventeen. I am preparing for this by drinking 2 cups of bacon every 2 hours then finishing it off with a big bowl of lard. I hate any foods that are healthily in any way shape or form and naked fat people.
Fav holiday
My favorite holiday is 4th of July because nick has the best fire works. He spend thousands of dollars on fire works each year we have roman candle fights till we bleed. Then we beat each other with these metal rods till were black and blue. Then we go surfing naked and try to pick up chicks. Then we sit on the beach naked together and watch the sunset.
Favorite sports/hobbies
Surfing and making movies are two of my favorite hobbies. Surfing is something I have been doing now for almost 3 1/2 years and its something I really enjoy and I hope I will never stop doing. I am hoping to get a new board this summer. I like to integrate my love for making and editing movies with surfing so I make skate,surf videos of me and my friends. We edit the videos and make them into VCDs or put them on DVDs. I am hoping to make a movie with all my videos and call it DKY. My last hobby is making model planes and little toy soldiers I love so much thank you.
How do you use your computer?
I use my computer everyday and I love it. I use to download movies of all kinds. I use it for school reports and to get research for those reports on the Internet. I play games on the Internet and become good and make money. I make brochures on the computer for Spanish. I down load music and then burn them to CDs. I send picture's to my cousins. I edit my videos on my computer and add music to them.
How should you dress and act on an interview
You should answer every question with yes or no sir. You should say please and thank you. You should dress very appropriate and professionally. You should take out any earrings and cover up any tattoos. If you're a girl show a little skin and if you must, show a little cleavage. If you're a guy your basically screwed if you the interviewer is a male cause they would rather have a hot female walking around there office then your hairy ass.
Have been in a natural disaster
I was in the in a really bad earthquake in 1993. It happened in the middle of the night I woke and every thing was shaking. I feel out of my bunk and I was on top, it hurt really badly. My mom came in and told us there was an earth going on and I ran in the hallway and my brother was screaming its King Kong. Then we went to the kitchen and the refrigerator had moved to the middle of the room. There were plates shattering and stuff breaking all over the place. Then we ran outside and it was over it was a 5 pointer. Which is a big earthquake.
In 5 years what will you be doing?
I will be waking up in my Hunigton beach apartment right on the water. I go out on the balcony and look out on the waves for the surf report. Then I just grab my board and head outside their still sand in my hair from surfing yesterday. I grab my long board by the door and ride out onto the boardwalk. Ill have my little local spot were the break is gnarly. I stair 14 year old girls in there bikinis and give them a hello. Then I paddle out and spend my day in the water catching waves and catching rays.
What would u change about yourself
I would make me born with a twelve-pack abs I would be jacked. I would be naturally sexy to all the female presents. They would not be able to resist my sexy twelve-pack abs. I would also be naturally talented at surfing and could surf and upside down while were eyes were closed. I would also make it so I could be invisible but could become un-invisible whenever I want. I could also teleport to any part of the world and take anyone who I am touching with me.
Who would u take out to dinner
I would take out Victoria Voneses because she is the hottest girl ever. Then I would take out Jordan with me and I am not sure why. Ill take him so he can get conversation going. We will go to In and out burger and get the greases burgers and fries then Victoria will start to feel fat and when girls feel fat they get desperate and that Brian steps in. Then since she's desperate and move on to the beach and ditch Jordan with the bill. Then we will start making hot love on the beach and we will go back to m place and spend the night.
What do you enjoy about the last 3 weeks of school?
I enjoy it because the girls start wearing short shorts. I also enjoy it because it starts getting warm again. Then the chicks start going to the beach and when you go surfing there are hot girls to cheer you on. The only thing is there are more surfers in the water and that means you have to share waves which really sucks. The water also starts to warm up and I can finally not have to were my wet suit.
What makes you made?
Well lets start with red head kids the are red headed it pisses me off, it like why dye you hair another color. Girls like joy who don't want to break a nail. Gay people that talk like girls not the non annoying gays just the loud and obnoxious. Rich kids and there parents. Fat naked guys that go to nude beaches. Posers like Chris Cunnignham that own surf clothes and don't surf. I hate kids that drop in on you. I hate gay pornstars.
What did you do this weekend.
I went surfing this weekend at Robert mosses the waves were really good and they were big. Then I slept over my friend nicks house and we played video games. Then on Friday I had to umpire and then I had to help my new tenet down stairs and have. Then I invited a hott girl over and we had a lot of fun and then she left and we went to sleep
What would u do in willy Wonkas Factory
Willy wonka is a good man. He stole umpa lumpas and made them slaves. Then I would steal a umpa lumpa for my self and make him my slave. Then I would dye them red instead of green. Then I take all the candy and I would feed all the starving kids in Africa. Then they would die because of over eating and I guess that's bad. Then I will take schnozze berries and plant them so they become a wild plant. Then I will make a naked girl out of chocolate.
Summer plans
I am going to go to surfing everyday and I might try baseball I don't know. I will stay home and sleep in. I will try to pick up chicks I am going to go out every night and stay up and wake why because I can. I wound be doing any schoolwork or reading. I will be lazy and watch TV but I will also be working out all summer to get into shape for soccer. The best day of summer is the first day off.
What did you think about this class?
This class is really cool we had sexist teacher but that's ok I still love it. It was really easy and it was actually fun and I know that Gannon doesn't really like me but that's cool I still love him. This class was cool cause I learned how to type really well and it's easier to type my projects now. So I think that it was really worth it to take this class and would recommend to homosexual or heterosexual because this class and its teacher dose not discriminate. Because its teacher is fair and nice.
Brian received a "C" for his valiant efforts on this project.
**Sorry I forgot. Many multiple spanks and thanks to Jordan Pine for discovering this multi-talented author's work for me.**
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