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What's your point Retus?
My point is that this is the part of my site where I tell stories that bear repeating. Right, so read on bitch!
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Orange Obsession
(After typing this story out it's pretty stupid and pointless, so I won't be upset if you don't read this one.) Not a lot of people know why I'm obsessed with the color orange. Why don't I like blue like everyone else? Well, there's a story behind that too. In 7th grade at the time I got my vest, I also wore this orange long sleeve shirt (which had an logo on the front and it rubbed against my nipple and it hurt) and I wore my vest over it and I also had an orange jacket which I still have today. Then someone came up to my lunch table to give us a survey and asked me what my favorite color was and before I could answer Jordan went, "Orange." And from then on I liked orange. The end. |
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The Orange Vest
Ok, instead of having everyone ask me this question all the time, I'll answer it on my website. That's right, here's the ever popular story behind the orange vest. In 7th grade, my mom and I went to the mall and bought all these American Eagle clothes. Among the clothes was an orange vest (it fit at the time). I wore my orange vest and I loved it, it was so comfy, like a really nice jacket or something. So I wore it the next day and then these people kept coming up to me going "HEY! YOU WORE THAT THING YESTERDAY!" Finally after like the 8th person I said 'That's it! I'm wearing it everyday!' So ever since the faithful, life-changing day in the 7th grade year of 2000, I've worn my orange vest, just to piss off those people that had to bother me on what I wear. The end. Every year I take it off around May or April, but don't worry it comes back in October. This shall continue until I graduate in 2005.
THE ANNUAL VEST REMOVAL CEREMONY 2003
Ok, this year's vest removal ceremony was of course a thing not to miss, so screw all of you that didn't show up (that includes Mrs. Kelske my math teacher). Last year's ceremony was a lot better cause I had the microphone and there wasn't a fucking lady going "YOUNG MAN YOUNG MAN SIT DOWN!" But I'll get to that. Ok well here's me getting to it. Jordan Pine, Ross Myers, and Dave Marr were this year's ceremony crew. Ross on the right, Jordan on the left and Dave holding my bag. I stood up on the chair, and I'm not kidding all I had to say was "excuse me" and the whole cafeteria's eyes were on me and my vest. So I said "and now it's time for the removal of the vest" I stepped down, Jordan and Ross removed the vest from my body, never to be seen until October. It was then that one gangsta kid goes "THAT'S SO GAY!" Alright, I didn't see any guys making out or having butt-sex in the cafeteria so I don't know what he was talking about. Then this lady comes up, taking full advantage of her "power" as a teacher and goes "YOUNG MAN! YOUNG MAN! SIT DOWN!" Seriously though, what did I do that was wrong? Teachers are so goddamned stupid, they think they're the president or something like they can just yell at you because you have the cafeteria's attention. Shit, anyway that's me complaining, sorry about that. That about covers it, afterwards there was much rejoicing and punch was served. The end.
THE OILL CHRONICLES
I HATE this woman. Mrs. Oill is one of the most rude and bitchiest person I've ever met, followed closely by Gabby Gajeski and then Hitler. Here are my stories from Walt Disney World. This woman, no joke, TOOK THE MAGIC OUT OF DISNEY. She had people referring to it as boot camp. We weren't allowed to do ANYTHING. They were iffy about letting me go to the ice machine down the hall from my room. It was basically whatever Mrs. Oill wanted to do, not what the group wanted to do. There's so much shit I wanna talk about I don't know where to start. How about when this girl named Kim's grandparents came to see her perform at Disney. They were staying in the same hotel as us. Just in a different building about a small gap across from our's. Her grandparents are NINETY YEARS OLD! And they called Kim's room and asked if she would stop by so they could see her. Darth Vader...i mean Mrs. Oill said no and made her NINETY YEAR OLD grandparents walk over to see her. That's not even close to being it. This girl named Jenn's parents I believed surprised her at Animal Kingdom to tell her they flew from NY to see her perform. She saw them and she was all excited and happy to see her. She ran over to them and gave her a hug. Mrs. Oill saw this and kept the group moving. One by one people stopped to wait for Jenn, everyone wanted to stop because we weren't heartless assholes and we knew how nice it was of her parents to come. But there was Oill, STILL WALKING! The only reason why she stopped was because the rest of the kids stopped for Jenn. How fucking heartless and stupid do you have to be? Oh yeah, and I wasn't allowed to sit with my mom on the plane ride over to Disney World. I had to sit with the group. In case something happened to me. WHAT?! What could happen? The only reason why i would have to stay with the group would be in case something happened to me, my parents wouldn't sue the school. HELLO!?! My mom's right there! Holy shit, what a retard. Also this bullshit with us having to be with a chaperone. If someone were to happen and there was a terrorist attack and there were middle easterners running around with AK-47s, I'm not gonna sigh in relief because a 3 foot tall, 45 year old band teacher (Ms. Kalabza) is here with me. What the hell would a chaperone do if there was an attack? I'm really sure that Mrs. Oill would take a bullet for me if she won't even stop for someone's parents. The kids that went last year told me that it was much more laid back and Oill was less Nazi-ish. The reason why it sucked so much was because of the war. Ok, correct me if i'm wrong, but when's the last time you saw a war just start up in the middle of Disney World. What a bullshit excuse. I bought this little light-up pin for .95 at a store in Disney. This pin is supposed to light up when your experiencing a "Magic Moment". ie: a parade. Well along came a parade down the street at Disney World so I asked if we could stop for like 2 minutes to see if my pin would work. Obviously, Hitler declined my request because, "Everyone wants to go on the pirate's ride." HELLO?! She didn't even ask anyone. It was so fucking annoying. All we did was what that motherfucking whore wanted to do. The lines weren't too bad there, though. The longest line there was 90 minutes for the Peter Pan ride. Now, I don't know how Disney-educated you are, but the Peter Pan ride is a suspended "boat" car over scenery, it goes about as fast as your body digests gum. It's not very fast. It's not worth an hour and a half of waiting. Not for Mrs. Oill though, she claims that people really wanted to go on this ride. But I asked around and NO ONE wanted to wait over an hour for a ride that's way passed its prime. Not to mention Oill forced the Jazz Choir to sing there fucking boring-assed Jazz songs while we waited on the 90 minute long. Oh yeah, this happened during every bus ride, every line, any time Oill could squeeze in for the choir to sing. I had to hear these shitty songs non-stop for 4 days. And to prove the point on how Mrs. Oill needs to add some new songs to her repretoir, the alumni Jazz Choir kids went to Disney to come see us perform and during our 20 minute performance (that's right we put together this whole trip for a 20 minute performance for our parents) they were singing along with the songs the choir was singing. This lady is so cheesy, and like the Peter Pan ride, passed her prime, if that "prime" ever existed. Pictures from the trip will be up sometime this summer. I'm pretty sure there's some stuff I left out, but if I remember while I'm on the can or something, I'll come back and update this part of the site. THE ICE CREAM STORE
After my great experience working for Patio Pizza, I decided to go out and get a job at the ice cream store in St. James on Lake Ave. This guy told me I could have as much ice cream as I wanted, then he would leave me alone in the store from 12-6pm. What an idiot. I ate that man's profit so quickly, I gained, no joke, 25 pounds that summer. I don't know if you guys remember when I was a fat kid like 2 summers ago? Anyway, the owner would leave me alone, and everyone knows how lazy I am. So I would go and sit down, read a book, and listen to Sublime on my headphones. And if a customer came in, I'd tell him we were closed and to come back tomorrow. I was pretty lazy. I did jack shit in that store (and no, "Jack Shit" isn't a person). The owner of the store was pretty messed up. He was loaded. I would see him come in with a new car every week. And his girlfriend wasn't too shabby. But yeah, he was a dick to me, but nice to all the girls that worked with me. One time, the boss's girlfriend called me up to ask me if I could fill in for someone at work, I actually would have, but I was busy so I said, I can't work because I'm busy. And she goes, come on I really need you to work. But like I said, I was busy so I said, I'm really sorry, and she goes "Yeah, whatever" and she hangs up on me. So, I talked it over with my mom and we arranged me working, but an hour later, so I called back the boss's girlfriend and I told her the news and she's like "Oh wonderful, thank you so much!" Like all nice and shit. Fuck you lady. Anyway, I was closing one night when the phone rang and it was some lady and she goes, listen I ordered a tub of lemon ice and I really need it for a party I'm having right now. Can I come down and get it? I said, no i'm really sorry, we're closed (we really were though, I wasn't just being lazy) and she's like, oh I'll come down right now and get it won't take long. So I asked her where she's coming from and she's like, setauket. Yeah right. If I stay and wait for this lady i'll sell her the tub and I won't see a fucking dime for it. So I said, I'm sorry we're closed and I hung up. Like 2 seconds later, the phone rang again, and it's the boss's girlfriend and she's like What the hell was that Brian? You just give up 30 bucks like that?! The boss's girlfriend called me to play a prank on me to see how I would react. That's just fucking weird and immature for someone to do to their employees. The way I finally left this job 25 pounds later was one day I walked in to look at the schedule and my name wasn't there. I was pissed that no one told me. So I wrote a note saying, "thanks for telling me I was fired. It was so nice of you. I hope I never have to see you guys again, thanks for such a hellish season working for you." So I got in the car and told my mom and she's like, you need to pick up your working papers from them. So I went back in and wrote, "Hey guys, thanks for such a great year! Please leave my working papers here tomorrow and I'll pick them up. Thanks a lot, I'll see you next year!" That's it for this story, sorry I went on and on about nothing, but that's just how my stories are.
BRIAN'S HOT
Ok this is a pretty quick story, but it's probably one of the funniest things that's happened to me. I was playing the drums for my church band, and we had a gig at a university in Harlem, so we go there, naturally we were awesome, and I kinda had a feeling that considering the band consists of 3 30 year olds, a 9th grade girl and me, the 16 year old teenager, I'd be the hot guy all the horny middle school chicks would wanna "get with." Anyway, I'm sitting outside by myself and this group of girls come up to me and say the following. "Hi! I hope you know how georgeous you are. You're really good at the drums." I'm soaking this all in and ya know, it's nice to hear these things, it's just not the same when my mom says it. Then she goes "My friend thinks your really cute!" So I'm feeling all cool so I go, "Really?" and she says "Yeah, he wants to know if your bi." I couldn't believe it. Some bisexual hottie had a crush on me ha ha. But I gave him my "retus@rickymartinsvagina.com" e-mail address and for a whole weekend i had a little gay kid watching everything that i did. So this should prove that i'm one of the hottest kids on earth, I attract girls AND boys.
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E-Mail: retus@rickymartinsvagina.com
Retus's First Job
Alright, here's my all time favorite story to tell, and I totally forgot about it. When I was in 8th grade, I went to Patio Pizza with my brother Ken and he asked the waitress, that he knew, if she could get me a job. But I was only I think either 13 or 14 so I was too young to be a bus boy, but she mentioned my name to the balls of Patio and I left. Then my mom told me that Patio called and I got the job. My job was quite simple, to fold pizza boxes. I was all excited cause I mean this was my first job. I was making 6 bucks an hour dawg (which meant nothing to me cause I didn't know what was a lot then). So they told me I was working next door and while I was walking over there, a girl about like 18 came over and told me about "Kevin". Now keep in mind I was in 8th grade, I had no idea who "Kevin" was (if you live in St. James obviously you know who he is). Kevin was a retarded guy who had my job and he cut his finger on one of the boxes and he kept folding and he got blood all over 200 or 300 boxes. Obviously, Patio threw all of them out and Kevin was fired. I mean what a retard. So, they show me the room I was to fold in and it was pretty easy. The room was like a storage room and it used to be a salon so I sat on one of those barber chairs where you get your hair cut and that was fun for like a good 2 hours. Then I had this big window which I watched all the kids play out in St. James (now I watch all the gangstas smoke and kill people). But yeah, my A.D.D. was pretty bad. I was folding like 30 boxes in like an hour and a half. It was pretty sad. But keep in mind I was getting paid by the hour. So the quicker I went, the less I got paid. But I never thought of this, cause I guess Kevin's retardation rubbed off on me. I brought in this awesome portable TV, making sure that i sat behind the security camera's view so the boss wouldn't know. It was awesome, I just sat around, folded occasionally and let my A.D.D. do all the work. Then like after a week of working (that summed up to one day of work), my boss was like, you really need to go faster. So I tried, I really did. I was really good at folding (I thought) but I kept stopping to do stuff like count the ceiling tiles or watch The Rosie O'Donnell show (the fact that she's came up twice on this website is completely accidental, the "cutie patootie" dike annoys me very much). So what they did is somehow they found out about the TV (I probably told them considering how fucking stupid I am) so I couldn't do that, no radio, and they covered the windows up with paper. I still somehow found ways to not fold pizza boxes. So after I think like 3 or 4 weeks, I was working 2 hours a day, once a week making 12 dollars a week for a job! It was so freaking stupid and pointless. I make more giving blow jobs in smithtown....i mean, yeah anyway. Kevin ended up taking my job because he was 100 times faster than me. He told me he's currently making "about a hundred jillion dollars" a week. Weweey? Yes, weweey. So, the moral of the story is...well actually just the lesson I learned is that I lost my job to a full-blooded retard
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A Little Poetry
And now it's time for a little poetry. I wrote the following poems for extra credit in english (yes i got it). The first poem entitled "Lunchroom!" The lunchroom is loud,
The lunchlady has a cow,
That she puts in the stew,
In which she serves to me and you.
$1.75 appears on the screen,
But I don't have enough, so I visit the snack machine.
Twizzlers or Skittles? G1 or G8?
Oh, forget it, I have bottled water and my mom packed me grapes.
I'll eat and eat till I'm full with fruit,
Then to my surprise in my pocket I found more loot.
----Oh no I agree, not very good Brian. But let me finish assface. This next one is entitled "The Fat Man". I watch the fat man run down the street,
His cheeks will jiggle with his hand full of sweets.
His thighs scrape together and it hurts his ears,
That is why the fat man runs just once a year.
He likes to smoke and eat lots of food,
But this is obvious due to the smell and his large man boobs.
Because he has more chins than a Chinese phone book,
When he walks down the street everyone can't help but look,
That is the end of the legend called "the fat man",
Hey, wouldn't it be funny if he put on a dress and did the can-can? -------I personally like that one...it touches me in my special place. Anyway, moving on to my next poem entitled, "Summer". The summer is very nice,
We cool down with some ice,
The summer makes us think like we're five,
Which upsets the parentals and they break out in hives,
There's no homework, but that's OK,
Because during school I never did it anyway. Except for english, how I love it so,
Because it kicks much ass and my other classes blow.
Sorry if the last line gave you much frustration,
I'm just in need of a long summer vacation. -------Those last couple lines were my favorite.
Well my little chickadees I have two more poems you can endulge upon. The next one is called "T.V" The television can trick you into watching,
It can take away from time of eating and washing.
Five to six hours of the day GONE!
Plus three hours of that were mostly commercials for "Dawn".
T.V's the reason that led to the legend of the fat man,
I think T.V is a crucial part of Satan's evil plan,
To make us fat and to take our lives away,
But it gives us entertainment which takes up the day.
I still love the T.V and all of its crap,
Because there are still some channels that don't play rap. ----Frownee face, that one sucked...sorry for wasting your time on that one. I had to write five full poems to get the extra credit so one of them was bound to suck a big white ass. Well, here's the last poem today, children. Enjoy! This one's called "School". If we didn't go to school we'd be a lot dumber,
But that's okay cause that means more summer,
Which brings hot weather and bees,
But then again we can swim and climb trees.
I get to see my friends in school, Which makes it worth it,
So maybe school's not so bad and I won't forphet.
But nine period is a little much,
So I thank the Lord for creating "lunch",
So I'll stay in school until the end,
And that's all I have to say my fine teacher friend. -------I hoped you enjoy my Retus poetry. Don't expect much more to come. It took me a whole lunch period to write all five and I need precious time to play Pheonix with Jordan at lunch...sorry :(
MATT BROWN'S "FONZIE" POEM
Arthur Fonzerelli is his name
Being cool was his game
A black leather jacket is what he wears
With a plain white "T" and grease in his hair
Always with a lady on each arm
A rebel at heart, but never did harm
An idol to kids on the television screen
Taught kids to be nice and never be mean
From the icebergs of Alaska to the seas of Japan
All of the world he was the man
American TV would be so much different without this guy
Cause he's as American as apple pie
So when life's got you down and you've had a bad day
Be like the Fonz and just say "AYYY!"
Written and Copyrighted by Matthew "Heart" Brown |
Ahhh... I hoped you enjoyed the poetry
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